Saturday, August 16, 2014

Trinity

This past Monday night, I washed some material.....this stack of material precisely....~~~




You see, Trinity was coming.....she was due the end of October...I knew I'd be close in getting her quilt made and all ready for her in a little over two months....I was prepared to take some short cuts...I'd chosen a simpler pattern and perhaps it would have some machine stitching as opposed to all hand quilting as I usually do.....I didn't like that, but I was under a time crunch....

I'd had a hard time getting excited about Trinity coming...you see the circumstances surrounding it weren't easy. Trinity's mom was our daughter Emma. Emma's lived on and off the streets, in shelters, with other guys for the last two and a half years..

Trinitys' daddy was some kid she met last November....they really didn't start hanging out til January and by the end of January , Emma was pregnant.

It wasn't a good situation, the father was a bully, an abusive person.....exploding into a rage at a moments notice...but Emma was determined to have a family....not that she didn't love her adoptive family, she did, she said, but something inside her craved to have her very own family,...all hers. That would of course mean a mom, a dad, and a baby...she was determined to stay with this guy to make that happen.

Up until three weeks ago, Emma lived in a shelter, but finally her subsidized housing came through and she got a two bedroom apartment. Things still weren't good, the boyfriend moved in, sometimes he brought his gang with him, they were there at all hours...day and nights sometimes they ate all her food and she went hungry....sometimes they just came and put holes, big holes in her walls...but she still stayed by this guy, her need for her very own family was that great.

This past Monday, I stopped into Emma's place......she was pleased to show me the nursery all set up, she had put the crib together herself. She was smiling, rubbing her tummy and commenting on how active the baby was that day. I left her place feeling encouraged and also feeling the first fluttering of excitement that a new grand baby was coming....I hadn't allowed myself to really have those feelings yet....I was just cautious, not knowing what was going to happen.....would CAS really allow her to keep this baby? I hadn't wanted to get too attached to the idea of having her around, of seeing her grow up.....


On the way home, I picked up a little new born outfit and a box of diapers....better start getting ready for this babe I thought....

Tuesday morning was a lovely sunny day,. I was having a slow start, had made a couple of phone calls, hadn't even gotten dressed yet, when a call interrupted one I was having with Leslie.....it was Corey...oh no, I thot...what does he want now.....

Mom, Emma fell off the ninth floor balcony, the ambulance just took her away, you have to get to the hospital......

I thot he was joking...he was not....I quickly dressed, calling Don at the same time.....we raced to the General Hospital....coming from two different directions.....not know whether our daughter or our grand daughter were still alive.

Upon arrival, a nurse in the emergency said they had rushed Emma to the OR, for an emergency C-section...the babe was in distress and they had to get her out.

Wee Trinity was born at 11:59am, Tuesday, August 12....she was born and she died....the doctors did everything they could to help her...but her little body could not absorb the horrific damage done to her from the impact of a ninety foot drop....

Emma had surprisingly few injuries ...quite a miracle actually.....a broken wrist, a broken clavicle, a fractured pelvis and a scalp laceration. It's a miracle that she was alive.

For the rest of the afternoon, we went back and forth from seeing and holding Trinity, to checking on Emma....our daughters Leslie and Lauren were there too....all experiencing this wee one, this tiny little miracle.....yes she was a miracle ...that she had been formed and grew inside Emma, and she was beautiful....dark black hair covering her tiny head...three pounds she already was...and she still had eleven weeks to go! She would have been a good size, she was and would have been beautiful.

We savoured our time with her, rocking her, singing to her, praying and giving her little kisses good bye.


Little Trinity.....we miss you already.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

The No Good Day....

Yesterday , was one of those no good, horrible, awful days....you know the kind.....the ones that you'd like to run away from....go and hide away...no cell phones, no phones....nothing.

It started out with a conversation with a worker from Children's Aid....she called me and we had a lengthy conversation about Emma and her situation. It was after I hung up that the heartburn started......and stayed....all day.....

Then once again I had to bring Ben into the bathroom to instruct him on the cleaning up of my bathroom after a shower ( since we're in the process of replacing the shower in the kids bathroom, they have been using ours)....every time , since their shower has been out of commission I've had to instruct at least one if not all three on the cleaning up,of our bathroom.....I could ban them from using it but I don't think anyone wants that to happen!

Then, I drove Megan to her friend Analise's....she was having an overnight visit...I was looking forward to that since it would give me a little break from her....Megan met a 'friend' on our holidays last week....his name is Joshua, so since we have come home she has been continuously waiting for him to call....daily....

After I dropped her off, I did a little shopping to get a third ottoman for the kids Common Room....the room that is being made for the kids, downstairs.....then on my way home I stopped for a milkshake for my lunch..... Sometimes that's the kind of lunch you want...ya know.

After I left Dairy Queen, I was driving along , and decided I should visit my mom....the poor woman is just so lonely and depressed....she misses my dad....she has become this frail little woman who after receiving a phone call from her sister in law, says to me..that was Betty.....who is Betty? I got her to play the piano for me..it always relaxes me...I'm glad she hasn't forgotten how to play her piano.....then it was time for me to leave....she didn't want me to go.....

When I left home, I stopped into the drug store that son Ben works part time at, it was almost time for him to be done....unfortunately, the asst manager had earlier asked him what time he was done, Ben told him a time which was an hour later than he was suppose to be....when I got there I told Ben that no, he was scheduled to leave now...the boss wasn't happy when Ben told him and raised his voice to him, telling him that he should know his hours by now....in Bens defence, they continuously change his work times....I can't even keep track of them all and I'm the one that checks his schedule on the web site all the time!

When I got home finally, Emma texted me...she wanted me to come and take her out for a drive....I declined saying I was too tired and I had to figure out supper before her dad came home....she talked about not being able to get anywhere or do anything.....I think the boyfriend who is super controlling doesn't let her.....

Supper, such as it was, was finally over with and hubby went downstairs to work on sanding the drywall seams....again....

I, just sat mindlessly in front of the tv...Emma had been texting again...she's suppose to move into her subsidized housing apartment this weekend. Then the phone rings and lo and behold, it's son Corey....could this day get any better? ( she says sarcastically )

As usual, he went on about himself...apparently he's going to jail tomorrow for twenty days...just what a mom likes to hear....he was driving without a licence as usual, and as usual, got caught. He started to ask about all the family members, how they were doing...had some nasty remarks about some, ..then he came to Emma....surprise, surprise....she's moving into the same housing complex that he lives in.....what joy, what bliss! He was very concerned about the possibility of her baby being apprehended at birth....we all are....but there he was, insisting that since Emma was family, and this baby is my grandchild that for sure, if it was apprehended that I would take it home with me....I said no, that's not happening....I said I was too old...can't do it....he glossed over that, insisting that I couldn't let my grandchild go into foster care.....of course, he had no idea that I've been struggling with this from day one.....for twenty years I took in other peoples children, some newborns....and now when faced with the possibility of it happening with my own grandchild , how ironic that I'm physically worn out and can not look after my own. Corey doesn't understand this and just sees mom, not willing to help and turning her back on her family. I struggled with that and will admit to still struggling with the whole concept....Corey didn't introduce to my mind anything new, he just pulled it forward from where I was trying to hide it.

Then Corey asked me to give his phone number to Emma....which I did, I texted it to her....and immediately someone texts back, saying who is Corey....well, the spelling was incorrect and I knew Emma wouldn't ask who her brother was so I correctly assumed that the boyfriend was checking her texts. Within moments, Corey called back and said that the guy had called him, questioning who he was and was he really Emma's brother....now, Corey has run with a rough crowd ever since he left home at seventeen and now he's thirty. Corey's been in prison three or four times, punks like Emma's boyfriend don't scare him off, in fact , I would dare say that when Corey and this guy finally meet up there may be a physical understanding between the two of them....and the other guy would certainly lose. Corey even inferred that he'd take care of this guy....of course he had another name for him that I'd rather not print.

Then...Megan called....she wanted to come home last night, but the mother must have put her off til this morning....I insisted that she finally tell me why....I kind of knew why and sure enough she was afraid that Joshua would call and she'd miss his call.....oh...good...grief....Lord help me.
I insisted that she had to stay, that she wasn't going to come home to sit by the phone....I guess I must have got thru to her because she didn't show up here this morning......

By this time, hubby was done the downstairs work, we were both super tired and went to bed...

And that was the end of my no good, horrible , awful day.

The End.



~ Marie

Saturday, July 5, 2014

A Holiday......I think......

Last weekend, we packed up our necessaries and drove to the trailer.....we are suppose to be here for two weeks......after the second or third day.....I TURNED OFF MY PHONE! Why? A certain daughter, who shall remain nameless, but is pregnant and living in a shelter,....kept texting me.....this was not turning into a holiday....it was home, away from home.....well, at least some were getting a rest......








So, our holiday hasn't been too bad.....the weather the first few days was lovely and warm...not too hot but the last couple of days turned quite cool....I found that I didn't have the proper clothes.....hubby, has turned into a fashionista and informed me that the slacks I was wearing, just light cotton ones....required sandals not warm socks and running shoes .....he says running shoes and socks are for jeans......'but I don't have any jeans', I said....'well, you'll just have to put up with the sandals'...'but my feet are cold', I whined.....he just grinned. Later that evening he sat beside me and as I settled my feet on his lap, he exclaimed...'Your feet are cold!' I said, 'well, what do you expect you wouldn't let me wear socks!' Men!!

Things are going well in our basement, well, at least they were when I left.....last week eldest son came and demolished half of the downstairs bathroom, put up walls on the other side of the basement, built me a pile of shelves for storage, drywalled everything, put walls back up in the bathroom....thank goodness, it was a little tricky using the toilet without walls around you! When we return home, we've a list a mile long of things that have to be accomplished downstairs before life returns to normal....wait, is life ever normal in my house....hmmmm....I think not....

I am looking forward though to having everything organized, the kids happily ensconced in their common room, downstairs ....that's the name I came up with....I think I remember hearing that name used when one if the kids lived in a dorm....hubby said in frustration one day, when trying to talk about said room...'what do we call this room anyway?' .... in a sheer moment of brilliance I announced 'The Common Room!'.....and thus it was...and is....And......having the main floor living room a place where hubby and I can go and watch tv or a movie without interruption.....well, they'll probably still be interruptions.....but....it'll be our space and the kids will have their space downstairs in a room especially built just for them! Sounds like a plan, doesn't it?!

Here's hoping it all comes together!...you know what they say about plans.....


~ Marie




Tuesday, June 17, 2014

The only way.....

The only way out of a storm is to go through it.

I read this on another blog this morning and it resonated with me, right down to my heart.

This comment was from a blog talking about the horrendous tornadoes that went through one of the states in the last couple of days.....

But....I thought it could apply to my life.

Don and I had a wonderful night away last Friday .....dinner with some good friends, then the next day travelling further north to experience an afternoon cruise on a very old boat.....it was cool and breezy but peaceful as it chugged around a large inlet and we oohed and aahed over the million dollar 'cottages'.....then a very long drive back home...back home to our life with our three young adults....and a phone message...

The message was from a Constable in our city's police force.....our daughter was missing .....again.....you see when your child lives at a shelter, and they( your child) decide, for whatever stupid reason, not to come back that night or even call...the staff inform the police.....and because this daughter chooses to be with a violent, unstable man....who,also is the father of her unborn child....they also call the police, just in case he's beat her up again......

By the time I called the police back, they told me the report had been rescinded, that she was found......at another shelter cause the first shelter wouldn't let her back.....and justifiably so.

Yesterday I picked her up at the second shelter to take her for her second midwife appointment.....when I refused to pick up the sperm donor, she became hysterical and tried to leave the van.....I caved....not for her sake but for the health of my unborn grand child .....my daughter has made her choices, granted she acts like a text book case of an abused woman, but no one can help her until she wants the help to stay away from this guy....but, the baby...the baby is the innocent in all of this....so, I picked him up.....the creep took his time coming out and even though she said he was ready and waiting, it took him twenty minutes.

We went to the midwife, the appointment went well, the ride home was something else......I sat driving and listening to them talk behind me, until I heard his explosive temper erupt ......I gripped the steering wheel and clenched my jaw until it hurt, while I listened to him spew forth his anger at something she had done wrong....something that he perceived she should have done differently because she wasn't focused on their plan.

My normal thinking would have stopped the van and put this guys butt to the curb, but a cooler head prevailed and I said nothing.....I played out the scenario in my head that if I had done that, he would have taken her too, then when they eventually got back to his place that he would take his 'anxiety' as he called it...out on her.....he could also prevent her from contacting me again, so, for the baby's sake.....I stayed quiet.

It was the storm....this whole situation is the storm....and unfortunately the only way out of it, seems to go through it.....

I will admit though that, I have a son whom we don't see very often, but I knew that if he was aware of this punk with the 'anxiety' problem , that he could make short work of this guy and we wouldn't have to worry about him again....I know, not the way we're supposed to think, but I do admit to the thot niggling away in the back of my brain....just sittin' there....

.....but for now, we'll just keep pushing through the storm....what else can we do.


~ Marie

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Fathers..

Four years ago, Fathers Day changed for me....forever...well, maybe not forever , there's still eternity to come.....so, let's just say, the rest of the time that I spend on earth....

My dad, struggled and fought, but was so very tired .....he left us one Friday evening, while I was in Chicago....he left ......my last words to him at the beginning of the week, as we were leaving for the Windy City, were....be good, don't do anything while I'm away now......he grinned and kissed me good bye.

But, he did do something, he died......

My dad, was always a strong man, he could do,anything....there wasn't anything that he didn't know how to fix......he went off to war, before I was born, before my older sister was born, ....after he and my mom had only been married for ten days......he was gone for two and a half years....long years that they were apart.....

But, he came back...he came back to start his life with his sweetheart....he worked at many jobs to support his family......he worked at a dirty place called the Coke Ovens....( not the coke they talk of today, and not the drink either) a dirty place that would cover him in black soot , that he would wash off at the kitchen sink ,every day when he came home from work....

When older sister was just a toddler, dad fell thirty feet, off a bridge where he was welding....he broke his back in three places.....my mom insisted on bringing his little girl to see her daddy.....the nurses protested, but mom brought her anyways.

At times he was a stern disciplinarian, but I will admit to needing that....I was born with a disability, back then they called it a physical handicap....I always had a chip on my shoulder, I was always trying to prove myself, I was mouthy...my older sister was timid.....ya, I knew what it was like to get a spanking.....no, it wasn't abuse, just good old fashion discipline.....I learned to be strong, I learned to persevere , I learned to find a way when my way had to be different then everybody else's .

Over the last forty years, I've watched my hubby be a father......he loved the babies.....he would get up with them in the night just as much as I did, and when they were sick...it was their dad who went to them, who comforted them, who cleaned up the vomit.....just as my dad had done for us......my hubby is not the 'get down on the floor and play Barbies or Lego' kind of dad.....I remember, once asking him to do that, and he just couldn't.....he didn't feel comfortable doing it......but....he was the dad that was there for his kids and still is.....he was the dad that when our unborn third child died, he laid his head in my lap and sobbed, he is the grandfather who saw the handprints of his little grandchild, who had already gone to heaven ....and he cried. He is the dad, when his daughter was hospitalized with a complete psychotic break, broke down and sobbed in our pastors arms.......

He's the dad that when two of our daughters had to have surgery, they chose their dad to walk with them into the operating room....to hold their hand, til they fell asleep....

He's the papa that loves to tease his grand babies, they've all gotten used to him, and exclaim...' Oh papa, your teasing'....with smiles on their faces.....he loves his grand babies....he loves rocking with them, giving them hugs.....and as we lay in bed the other night, he prayed for them, as he's done many times before but this time for a brand new one.....praying for it's formation and growth....praying for it's mommy and daddy......

Another dad, that I have observed is my son....well, right now I have two sons who are fathers....unfortunately the younger one chooses not to be a father to his son, but the elder one is coming along nicely! I despaired somewhat when the elder one first became a dad....I think it was kind of something that was so new to him that he wasn't prepared for the enormity of the situation....he didn't seem to connect, while floundering under the heavy weight and responsibility.....but as his son grew, you did see the bond growing...and it was good.

Then his number two son came along, and eldest sons' paternal feelings grew more and more, to the point that you can actually see the delight in the eyes of eldest son as he looks at his sons.... And on Saturday, when we were visiting....and wee littlest grandson fell, and there was great wailing while his mommy was holding him, this nana had to go and fetch his daddy, as the little guy, cried over and over....my dad, my dad......he wanted his dad.....he wanted to feel the security of his dad's arms wrapped around him.

Not unlike my feelings toward my dad, even to this day....or our children towards my husband....

Or even, and now some of my older kids might disagree, but their dad and I are still hoping that one day they'll once again want the feeling of their heavenly father's loving arms round about them, holding them, a shelter in the storm....just as little Samuel longed for his daddy's arms to hold him, to shelter him from the hurts.....

So, this Sunday is Fathers Day.....a day set aside to remember our dads....not everyone has good memories of their fathers......I hope all of my kids remember their dad, the dad that has been there for them, the dad that has loved them, thru thick and thin, the dad who, when faced with having to take a loan from the bank to be a dad to one of his children, said to me.....yes, we're doing it....I'm not going to kick myself around the block , years from now, over money....it's just money.......

These dads....the ones that I've been writing about, are true representatives of our heavenly fathers love for us.......and I hope my kids will always remember that about their dad cause that surely is what I'm reminded of when I think of mine. That is their heritage.....their real, true heritage.











My dad.....









My son.....












My hubby.....

All wonderful men of God and special dads......



~ Marie

Saturday, May 31, 2014

Sometimes I think I would like a small hideout.....just for me.....like this....



My eldest son is an excellent carpenter, and third son is taking an interest in it.....I would think between the two of them that they'd be able to handle this....don't ya think?

It would be a little hideout.....where no one could find me.....a sanctuary ...hmmmmm....


Saturday, May 24, 2014

At Home

Yesterday, I was at home......by myself.

Now, to some this may be something that occurs in their life all the time...in mine, not so much...a matter of fact ...next to never.

You see, when you have three developmentally delayed young adults in your home....somebody is always there.

Ben has a small part time job, so is gone a few hours of a few days in the week.

Maya, doesn't have a job right now, so unless she goes for a walk or very short bike ride...she is always at home.

Megan is still in school....she leaves the house at 7:15 and returns at 2:30....and believe me, once you hit noon hour, 2:30 seems to race to the finish line quite quickly.

So, yesterday....yesterday I took Maya to meet up with another person to travels to a city up north for the weekend...we had to meet at 9:15....Megan had already left for school and Ben left at the same time we did to go to work...

A long day stretched before me......it was a cloudy day, with rain on and off....I did a few errands and by 11:30am...was home.

The house was soooooooooo quiet....even the dogs thought it was weird and kept looking at the door...waiting for someone, anyone to walk in the door....but it remained closed.

I was glad that the weather wasn't very good...for my purposes it was perfect! If it had been sunny and warm I would have felt the need to take full advantage of it and go outside, anywhere....we've had so few really nice weather days....

....but it rained, it cleared, it clouded over, it became dull and dreary, it rained again....so I stayed in......

There were so many things I could have done, so much cleaning that could have been tackled....but I didn't ....

I could have read a book...I have a couple of stacks that need to be read, but I had just finished a rather large novel the night before and wanted to savour it for a few days.....

So, I sat...and quilted....this quilt top I'm working on has appliqué on it...now appliqué isn't something that I am fond of....Carol at quilting discovered , when we learned how to do it a few years ago , that she loves it and most of her work now is appliqués ...but me, not so much...but I knew it would give this quilt the added zing it needed ....so, I needed to get it done before I could actually 'sandwich' and start the actual quilting ....so, I sat....put some lovely William Joseph music on and I appliqued.....while I did that I thought and prayed once again , and many times over, for Maya...off on her big trip....only the second time since her last illness in February and the first was a disaster....

Thought and prayed about one daughter who I haven't really seen or talked to in ages...paused to text her and chat about possibly getting together for lunch....


Thought and prayed about another daughter who is homeless and pregnant....prayed for her safety and that of our unborn grandchild...

Thought about my hubby.....gave him a call to see how he was doing....just because....

Thought and prayed about one son , training with the army out west, whose CO was killed this week in a training accident......wondered how he was doing

Thought and called one daughter about Sunday dinner...it's her turn to cook..tried to nail down the menu so I knew what to buy at grocery shopping...spoke to sweet but feisty Verity about her birthday doll she received that week.....

...continued to put tiny red stitches into the appliqué......

Thought and prayed for another son...the most wayward ...the one who shows up sporadically....usually drunk....usually without knowing why he's here....

Thought about another son and his family making the trip down to our area so him and his wife could have some couple time while they leave the kids with another daughter....

.....the appliqué continued.....

Thought and prayed for people I knew who are struggling with illness, who are grieving..

Did I get it done...no,....still far to go....teeny, tiny stitches take forever....but in the quietness of my home, I was able to enjoy some special time...it all ended way to soon as Megan came through the door but it was a lovely afternoon...full of thought and prayer and promise....

I have no idea when I'll ever get such a time again....I can't even remember the last time it was so long ago....but, this time, this time will last for awhile....

It was a good time.


~ Marie