Friday, October 24, 2014

The Swirling Thoughts....

As this work week draws to a close, we have been reminded just how fragile life is.....one moment it's here, smiling for the camera and ten minutes later, it's gone...snuffed out by a senseless act....I speak of course, of the young Corporal, the very young soldier....who was also,a father and a son,....whose life ebbed away as his body lay fallen , after two wounds were put into his chest by a gunman......pictures on social media show him smiling for the camera , standing beside a pretty blonde, in a photo op just minutes before....his life ahead of him, stretched out to fulfil his accepted role as a son to his parents, a dad to his son, and possibly a husband to his girlfriend.

I've been lulled into a sense of complacency when it comes to my son being in the military....I blame that on the fact that in the six years, he's never been deployed, never been in battle....well, not an official one, just when he's out 'in the field' and they're practicing.....I'm sure this young Corporal's mother, also felt the same way...he was a reservist....not active in the military every day, mostly on weekends and maybe a few weeks until recently.....I'm sure that when she said goodbye to him, promised to look after his son, look after his dogs while he went on an assignment in Ottawa , that they all thought was a treat....standing guard at a memorial....a guard that had been assigned after a few daring teens urinated on it a few years ago....before that it only happened at Remembrance Day.....I'm sure that his mom didn't think it would be the last time she'd ever see that beautiful smile of her son.

In August, we were grandparents expecting two new grand babies in the coming months.....one was coming from our daughter....the other from our son and his wife...everything was going well, not necessarily with our daughter, the mom....but the babe was safe, we thot....safe and growing ...kicking and moving....we visited our daughter on the Monday....she smiled as she rubbed her tummy ( as pregnant mothers do) and commented about how active she was....yes, a wee baby girl that daughter had already named Trinity....the next morning, not even twenty-four hours later...that little life was snuffed out after our daughter fell from a ninth floor balcony...90'...the consequence of domestic abuse..yes, that little life was silenced.....

People take these lives we are given for granted....we get lulled into that complacency.....we assume that life will follow the usual path of being born, growing up, becoming adults, taking on responsibilities that adults do, starting our own families, raising our children, becoming grand parents, retirement and then after living a good long life...then death...then death will come. These previously mentioned situations are just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to how lives really don't go according to the plan in our heads. Circumstances change, accidents happen, horrible murders occur....we have no control over it really....it happens in the space of a breath.

We think we'll be ready, but we never are....to have our affairs in order, to say our good byes, we think that we'll have time to make things right....right with our family,right with our friends....right with God....obviously we don't always get that opportunity.

' Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapour that appears for a little while and then vanishes away.'






~ Marie

Friday, September 12, 2014

The Rollercoaster

So, since we buried little Trinity, I've kind of taken a step back from Emma and all her drama....I did try and take her to an appointment this past Monday to get her broken arm checked.....so, when she didn't answer her door after many times of knocking, and waiting down in her lobby for an hour...I left.

Waited for her to contact me....she finally did, briefly on Wednesday night....

Yesterday, was suppose to be a nice day. My sister and I were going to check out this dress store in Hamilton for a dress for son Paul's wedding...yes, the hunt is on. We didn't have any success at this particular store, which was located uptown in the city. We decided that we'd try this hamburger place that everyone raves about.....

Just sat down there and ordered our drinks when my phone rang. It was daughter Maya, at home....the police had called our house looking for me because Emma's boyfriend had been arrested and she wanted me to come...

Sister and I thot we should go, so we told the waitress there was a family emergency and left. Maya called back....now the police were bring Emma to our house....good grief and glory be.....there goes the neighbourhood ....not one but two police cars out front of my house in broad daylight! Bet that set the tongues a waggin'!

Sister and I arrived home....Emma wasn't forthcoming with very much info which bugged me....the cops just dumped her and her wheel chair ( which the boyfriend stole from the hospital) at my house and I didn't know what the heck was going on.

Of course, hubby was teaching and missed all the fun.

Then two women showed up from Victim Services ...they talked to Emma for about an hour...tried to get her to go to the shelter and not home, but in the end she refused and insisted that she goes home.

So, I took her.....meanwhile having pieced together that her and boyfriend went to the local mall , they got into an argument, he started becoming physical, beating on her, a girl in a wheelchair, so the cops were called and they hauled him off to jail for the night. They said there'd be a restraining order on him but I highly doubt that'll stop him from coming around.

Hubby came to her apartment on the way home from class...we both tried to talk to her...she just became hysterical, saying she needed to talk to a counsellor cause they know how to talk to people.

We left.

She left with us to go to the apartment below her where she knew she could get some weed. She needed something to help her sleep, she said.

Ya, this is our life.....don't ya love it?



~ Marie

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Somewhere Safe......

So, much has happened since I last wrote.....summer has turned into fall, not officially of course , but when you've had kids going off to school in September for thirty-five years, there is a certain mindset that summer has come to a conclusion on Labour Day weekend and school has begun. I've wondered, from time to time, if when we no longer have anyone going off to school the Tuesday after Labour Day whether I'll feel the same.....do you change it to the 22nd of September and hold onto those last few weeks of summer? Probably not......

This past summer, we built a new room downstairs....I use the word 'we' loosely as we didn't do the exact construction.....yes, hubby and I worked for weeks, sorting and purging and packing up the left overs to cart off to a storage locker. We needed to have everything cleared our in that area, the remaining area that didn't house bedrooms, bathroom , pantry, storage room, furnace and laundry....yes, you may have guessed that the remaining area wasn't huge in square footage, but we were desperate.....

You see, for the last ten years, at least , we've had a television in our bedroom....not very romantic you say...well, I suppose..( yes, I've read the articles ) but necessary.....the 'in house kids', ( as I call them) had taken over the living room and since they were all developmentally delayed to some degree, their television programming was....shall we say...somewhat immature and repetitive......if we wanted to watch any of our programs in the evening, you either sent them to their rooms which caused whining and wailing and gnashing of teeth...or you chose something that everyone could watch....which given the comprehension level of said in house kids, wasn't easy!

Our bedroom isn't large...not like you see on those Reno shows on tv, just enough space for a bed, two dressers, an occasional chair( that usually houses stuff that you can't find a place for, and a small cabinet that houses cd's, the cable box and the tv on top! Hubby and I must resort to watching tv while sitting on our bed....when you're a kid that's not difficult, in your twenties and thirties, well, okay....but get up in the 40, 50 and 60's......oh my, doesn't make for a comfortable evening! Since we've come to the conclusion that our in house kids, are never 'leaving the nest'.....( no available group home housing spaces) ....it occurred to me that in ten years I'll be in my seventies ( yes, the horror of it all) and do I really want to be dealing with stiff and sore bones and numb derrière and lower back pain in our 70's and 80's!...I mean We still will but hopefully not from just watching tv!

So, the idea of a lounge, downstairs, in the remaining small space was born! Eldest son Ryan came down for the week....he demolished, he measured, he put up walls....it was a full week, to be sure.....hubby and Maya primed and painted......we moved the upstairs tv and cable box, the Wii game system , and DVDs downstairs.....we went to Ikea and purchased three occasional chairs and ottomans ....and voila! The Lounge was ready for the tv watching and game playing enjoyment of three young adults!

And.....hubby and I got our living room back......and it's been wonderful.

As in my last post, things were going okay.....we were helping Emma with the preparations for her baby coming, she moved out of the shelter and into her own apartment. Unfortunately, her abusive, gang involved boyfriend moved in with her. August 12th, dawned beautiful and sunny...no indication of the horror that would occur that day when Emma for whatever reason, that hubby and I figure we'll never know, fell from the ninth floor balcony, that's 90'.....and at 29 weeks, our wee grand daughter could not survive such an impact, and moments after she was born via emergency c-section....she died....

Two weeks later we buried her in a tiny little plot in the same cemetery that my dad is buried in. It was a short service, attended by few.....the minister, now retired, that dedicated Emma all those years ago, came and said a few words , and it was done.

I stopped at her spot yesterday, I have to drive by the cemetery whenever I go into the next town...which is often.....I found tears running down my cheeks as I stared at this small rectangle of broken grass.....I found myself apologizing to her,....I'm her nana, I should have protected her....but I couldn't.....but now she was somewhere safe, somewhere that no one could hurt her ever again.

A lot of people like the fall season....I do not, I never have....I dislike Halloween, Thanksgiving is nice but a ton of work, and as I said before...I'm getting older....
The last two fall and winter season have brought us a terrible time with Maya and her emotional breakdowns.....we are praying and hoping that this season will be better, will be different but it's kind of like waiting for the other shoe to drop......

Hubby has three, yes three , evening teaching courses this term...which goes up til Christmas time.....so every week he's gone from 7 in the morning til anywhere between 9-10 in the evening, for Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday . These are particularity long days....filled with in house kids bickering, complaining and disobeying.....and apprehension of whether Maya will become ill again.
There are appointments ....doctors, dentists and social workers ( Maya is seeing one that can hopefully help her some coping skills to handle stress.

There is trying to find the time to get back up north to our trailer, to close it up for the winter, take down the tent and awnings....to close up that season again til it re opens next May.

Second daughter, Lauren bought a sweet , wee pup last Sunday....the cutest little thing you ever saw....part Maltese, part Yorkshire terrier.....he's about the size of the end of the paw of one of my dogs! ...but he is cute....no, I'm NOT getting any ideas....

So, Fall may be special and wonderful to some people but for myself, no.
I enjoy the fall colours but after they disappear everything is just so barren and sad looking.....and then the snow will come...worse then last year they say...good grief.

There are things to look forward to though.....a new grand baby is due in January...we are very excited to welcome this new little son or daughter ( everyone is hoping daughter) to eldest son Ryan and wife Jennifer ....they have two beautiful boys but would dearly love to have a girl.....we shall see!

Then next May , number three son Paul is planning on marrying lovely Sara....it should be a special occasion filled with family, friends and laughter and joy!

So, yes....some good things to look forward to...I think I should hang my hat on those and try to pull myself out of these doldrums!

After all, fall and winter can't last forever ( it'll only seem that way in the midst if it!) and we can remind ourselves to be grateful for each day, whether difficult or good.....


~ Marie

Saturday, August 16, 2014

Trinity

This past Monday night, I washed some material.....this stack of material precisely....~~~




You see, Trinity was coming.....she was due the end of October...I knew I'd be close in getting her quilt made and all ready for her in a little over two months....I was prepared to take some short cuts...I'd chosen a simpler pattern and perhaps it would have some machine stitching as opposed to all hand quilting as I usually do.....I didn't like that, but I was under a time crunch....

I'd had a hard time getting excited about Trinity coming...you see the circumstances surrounding it weren't easy. Trinity's mom was our daughter Emma. Emma's lived on and off the streets, in shelters, with other guys for the last two and a half years..

Trinitys' daddy was some kid she met last November....they really didn't start hanging out til January and by the end of January , Emma was pregnant.

It wasn't a good situation, the father was a bully, an abusive person.....exploding into a rage at a moments notice...but Emma was determined to have a family....not that she didn't love her adoptive family, she did, she said, but something inside her craved to have her very own family,...all hers. That would of course mean a mom, a dad, and a baby...she was determined to stay with this guy to make that happen.

Up until three weeks ago, Emma lived in a shelter, but finally her subsidized housing came through and she got a two bedroom apartment. Things still weren't good, the boyfriend moved in, sometimes he brought his gang with him, they were there at all hours...day and nights sometimes they ate all her food and she went hungry....sometimes they just came and put holes, big holes in her walls...but she still stayed by this guy, her need for her very own family was that great.

This past Monday, I stopped into Emma's place......she was pleased to show me the nursery all set up, she had put the crib together herself. She was smiling, rubbing her tummy and commenting on how active the baby was that day. I left her place feeling encouraged and also feeling the first fluttering of excitement that a new grand baby was coming....I hadn't allowed myself to really have those feelings yet....I was just cautious, not knowing what was going to happen.....would CAS really allow her to keep this baby? I hadn't wanted to get too attached to the idea of having her around, of seeing her grow up.....


On the way home, I picked up a little new born outfit and a box of diapers....better start getting ready for this babe I thought....

Tuesday morning was a lovely sunny day,. I was having a slow start, had made a couple of phone calls, hadn't even gotten dressed yet, when a call interrupted one I was having with Leslie.....it was Corey...oh no, I thot...what does he want now.....

Mom, Emma fell off the ninth floor balcony, the ambulance just took her away, you have to get to the hospital......

I thot he was joking...he was not....I quickly dressed, calling Don at the same time.....we raced to the General Hospital....coming from two different directions.....not know whether our daughter or our grand daughter were still alive.

Upon arrival, a nurse in the emergency said they had rushed Emma to the OR, for an emergency C-section...the babe was in distress and they had to get her out.

Wee Trinity was born at 11:59am, Tuesday, August 12....she was born and she died....the doctors did everything they could to help her...but her little body could not absorb the horrific damage done to her from the impact of a ninety foot drop....

Emma had surprisingly few injuries ...quite a miracle actually.....a broken wrist, a broken clavicle, a fractured pelvis and a scalp laceration. It's a miracle that she was alive.

For the rest of the afternoon, we went back and forth from seeing and holding Trinity, to checking on Emma....our daughters Leslie and Lauren were there too....all experiencing this wee one, this tiny little miracle.....yes she was a miracle ...that she had been formed and grew inside Emma, and she was beautiful....dark black hair covering her tiny head...three pounds she already was...and she still had eleven weeks to go! She would have been a good size, she was and would have been beautiful.

We savoured our time with her, rocking her, singing to her, praying and giving her little kisses good bye.


Little Trinity.....we miss you already.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

The No Good Day....

Yesterday , was one of those no good, horrible, awful days....you know the kind.....the ones that you'd like to run away from....go and hide away...no cell phones, no phones....nothing.

It started out with a conversation with a worker from Children's Aid....she called me and we had a lengthy conversation about Emma and her situation. It was after I hung up that the heartburn started......and stayed....all day.....

Then once again I had to bring Ben into the bathroom to instruct him on the cleaning up of my bathroom after a shower ( since we're in the process of replacing the shower in the kids bathroom, they have been using ours)....every time , since their shower has been out of commission I've had to instruct at least one if not all three on the cleaning up,of our bathroom.....I could ban them from using it but I don't think anyone wants that to happen!

Then, I drove Megan to her friend Analise's....she was having an overnight visit...I was looking forward to that since it would give me a little break from her....Megan met a 'friend' on our holidays last week....his name is Joshua, so since we have come home she has been continuously waiting for him to call....daily....

After I dropped her off, I did a little shopping to get a third ottoman for the kids Common Room....the room that is being made for the kids, downstairs.....then on my way home I stopped for a milkshake for my lunch..... Sometimes that's the kind of lunch you want...ya know.

After I left Dairy Queen, I was driving along , and decided I should visit my mom....the poor woman is just so lonely and depressed....she misses my dad....she has become this frail little woman who after receiving a phone call from her sister in law, says to me..that was Betty.....who is Betty? I got her to play the piano for me..it always relaxes me...I'm glad she hasn't forgotten how to play her piano.....then it was time for me to leave....she didn't want me to go.....

When I left home, I stopped into the drug store that son Ben works part time at, it was almost time for him to be done....unfortunately, the asst manager had earlier asked him what time he was done, Ben told him a time which was an hour later than he was suppose to be....when I got there I told Ben that no, he was scheduled to leave now...the boss wasn't happy when Ben told him and raised his voice to him, telling him that he should know his hours by now....in Bens defence, they continuously change his work times....I can't even keep track of them all and I'm the one that checks his schedule on the web site all the time!

When I got home finally, Emma texted me...she wanted me to come and take her out for a drive....I declined saying I was too tired and I had to figure out supper before her dad came home....she talked about not being able to get anywhere or do anything.....I think the boyfriend who is super controlling doesn't let her.....

Supper, such as it was, was finally over with and hubby went downstairs to work on sanding the drywall seams....again....

I, just sat mindlessly in front of the tv...Emma had been texting again...she's suppose to move into her subsidized housing apartment this weekend. Then the phone rings and lo and behold, it's son Corey....could this day get any better? ( she says sarcastically )

As usual, he went on about himself...apparently he's going to jail tomorrow for twenty days...just what a mom likes to hear....he was driving without a licence as usual, and as usual, got caught. He started to ask about all the family members, how they were doing...had some nasty remarks about some, ..then he came to Emma....surprise, surprise....she's moving into the same housing complex that he lives in.....what joy, what bliss! He was very concerned about the possibility of her baby being apprehended at birth....we all are....but there he was, insisting that since Emma was family, and this baby is my grandchild that for sure, if it was apprehended that I would take it home with me....I said no, that's not happening....I said I was too old...can't do it....he glossed over that, insisting that I couldn't let my grandchild go into foster care.....of course, he had no idea that I've been struggling with this from day one.....for twenty years I took in other peoples children, some newborns....and now when faced with the possibility of it happening with my own grandchild , how ironic that I'm physically worn out and can not look after my own. Corey doesn't understand this and just sees mom, not willing to help and turning her back on her family. I struggled with that and will admit to still struggling with the whole concept....Corey didn't introduce to my mind anything new, he just pulled it forward from where I was trying to hide it.

Then Corey asked me to give his phone number to Emma....which I did, I texted it to her....and immediately someone texts back, saying who is Corey....well, the spelling was incorrect and I knew Emma wouldn't ask who her brother was so I correctly assumed that the boyfriend was checking her texts. Within moments, Corey called back and said that the guy had called him, questioning who he was and was he really Emma's brother....now, Corey has run with a rough crowd ever since he left home at seventeen and now he's thirty. Corey's been in prison three or four times, punks like Emma's boyfriend don't scare him off, in fact , I would dare say that when Corey and this guy finally meet up there may be a physical understanding between the two of them....and the other guy would certainly lose. Corey even inferred that he'd take care of this guy....of course he had another name for him that I'd rather not print.

Then...Megan called....she wanted to come home last night, but the mother must have put her off til this morning....I insisted that she finally tell me why....I kind of knew why and sure enough she was afraid that Joshua would call and she'd miss his call.....oh...good...grief....Lord help me.
I insisted that she had to stay, that she wasn't going to come home to sit by the phone....I guess I must have got thru to her because she didn't show up here this morning......

By this time, hubby was done the downstairs work, we were both super tired and went to bed...

And that was the end of my no good, horrible , awful day.

The End.



~ Marie

Saturday, July 5, 2014

A Holiday......I think......

Last weekend, we packed up our necessaries and drove to the trailer.....we are suppose to be here for two weeks......after the second or third day.....I TURNED OFF MY PHONE! Why? A certain daughter, who shall remain nameless, but is pregnant and living in a shelter,....kept texting me.....this was not turning into a holiday....it was home, away from home.....well, at least some were getting a rest......








So, our holiday hasn't been too bad.....the weather the first few days was lovely and warm...not too hot but the last couple of days turned quite cool....I found that I didn't have the proper clothes.....hubby, has turned into a fashionista and informed me that the slacks I was wearing, just light cotton ones....required sandals not warm socks and running shoes .....he says running shoes and socks are for jeans......'but I don't have any jeans', I said....'well, you'll just have to put up with the sandals'...'but my feet are cold', I whined.....he just grinned. Later that evening he sat beside me and as I settled my feet on his lap, he exclaimed...'Your feet are cold!' I said, 'well, what do you expect you wouldn't let me wear socks!' Men!!

Things are going well in our basement, well, at least they were when I left.....last week eldest son came and demolished half of the downstairs bathroom, put up walls on the other side of the basement, built me a pile of shelves for storage, drywalled everything, put walls back up in the bathroom....thank goodness, it was a little tricky using the toilet without walls around you! When we return home, we've a list a mile long of things that have to be accomplished downstairs before life returns to normal....wait, is life ever normal in my house....hmmmm....I think not....

I am looking forward though to having everything organized, the kids happily ensconced in their common room, downstairs ....that's the name I came up with....I think I remember hearing that name used when one if the kids lived in a dorm....hubby said in frustration one day, when trying to talk about said room...'what do we call this room anyway?' .... in a sheer moment of brilliance I announced 'The Common Room!'.....and thus it was...and is....And......having the main floor living room a place where hubby and I can go and watch tv or a movie without interruption.....well, they'll probably still be interruptions.....but....it'll be our space and the kids will have their space downstairs in a room especially built just for them! Sounds like a plan, doesn't it?!

Here's hoping it all comes together!...you know what they say about plans.....


~ Marie




Tuesday, June 17, 2014

The only way.....

The only way out of a storm is to go through it.

I read this on another blog this morning and it resonated with me, right down to my heart.

This comment was from a blog talking about the horrendous tornadoes that went through one of the states in the last couple of days.....

But....I thought it could apply to my life.

Don and I had a wonderful night away last Friday .....dinner with some good friends, then the next day travelling further north to experience an afternoon cruise on a very old boat.....it was cool and breezy but peaceful as it chugged around a large inlet and we oohed and aahed over the million dollar 'cottages'.....then a very long drive back home...back home to our life with our three young adults....and a phone message...

The message was from a Constable in our city's police force.....our daughter was missing .....again.....you see when your child lives at a shelter, and they( your child) decide, for whatever stupid reason, not to come back that night or even call...the staff inform the police.....and because this daughter chooses to be with a violent, unstable man....who,also is the father of her unborn child....they also call the police, just in case he's beat her up again......

By the time I called the police back, they told me the report had been rescinded, that she was found......at another shelter cause the first shelter wouldn't let her back.....and justifiably so.

Yesterday I picked her up at the second shelter to take her for her second midwife appointment.....when I refused to pick up the sperm donor, she became hysterical and tried to leave the van.....I caved....not for her sake but for the health of my unborn grand child .....my daughter has made her choices, granted she acts like a text book case of an abused woman, but no one can help her until she wants the help to stay away from this guy....but, the baby...the baby is the innocent in all of this....so, I picked him up.....the creep took his time coming out and even though she said he was ready and waiting, it took him twenty minutes.

We went to the midwife, the appointment went well, the ride home was something else......I sat driving and listening to them talk behind me, until I heard his explosive temper erupt ......I gripped the steering wheel and clenched my jaw until it hurt, while I listened to him spew forth his anger at something she had done wrong....something that he perceived she should have done differently because she wasn't focused on their plan.

My normal thinking would have stopped the van and put this guys butt to the curb, but a cooler head prevailed and I said nothing.....I played out the scenario in my head that if I had done that, he would have taken her too, then when they eventually got back to his place that he would take his 'anxiety' as he called it...out on her.....he could also prevent her from contacting me again, so, for the baby's sake.....I stayed quiet.

It was the storm....this whole situation is the storm....and unfortunately the only way out of it, seems to go through it.....

I will admit though that, I have a son whom we don't see very often, but I knew that if he was aware of this punk with the 'anxiety' problem , that he could make short work of this guy and we wouldn't have to worry about him again....I know, not the way we're supposed to think, but I do admit to the thot niggling away in the back of my brain....just sittin' there....

.....but for now, we'll just keep pushing through the storm....what else can we do.


~ Marie