All the ladies are chattering in your little group...this little quilting group that gets together every Tuesday morning....we meet to share our work, to share some tea, to share our lives.....
I sit there , quiet.....it takes me a bit to get going....sometimes, your mind is swirling with so many details that it takes awhile to sort them out, you sit there , listening quietly, waiting for your thoughts to unfurl.......
Everyone is sharing, everyone is filled with ideas and thoughts that they want to reveal, some to share happiness, some to share sorrow, others their despair.....
I like to just sit and listen, the weariness of the day has already taken over and it's only 10:00 am,....have you ever felt too weary to talk, as the jumbled thoughts tumble like blocks in your brain, you make the conscious decision to not speak...it takes to much effort, too many details....if only you could just give the Readers Digest condensed version...maybe that would work...you run the conversation in your mind, just how it would go....and then you make the decision....no, I really don't want to get into all that.....so, you stay silent...pulling out your work....a quilt that has been worked on, on and off for two years...between other projects....you're determined to get it done....it's for yourself...you've never done one for yourself...you always give them away....I think that's why it takes so long to complete...there isn't the urgency...it's just for you.
Not every season of motherhood is perfect. Some are colder than others. Some burn straight through you. But those days of extreme make the ordinary average ones gleam with perfection and beauty.
I read that in someone's blog post today....the words jumped out at me......
'Cody saw Emma the other day'....the voice of another quilter breaks through my thoughts.....'he was so shocked....I didn't know she had blond hair'....'it's a wig', I reply......'oh..well, he was so surprised...she's lost weight and he says she was dressed......scantily, like.....' ' like a hooker', I replied....'well, ya', she said.
'Oh, Marie,' another said...'you just tell it like it is....just straight out there'...she laughed.
I didn't laugh...I just thought...ya, where did that come from....I'm a nice person....everyone says I'm a nice person....
My cell phone chimes...an email has come in.....someone thought I should know that my son, the son that has the worst Fetal Alcohol Syndrome of all my kids that have it....this person says that he was taken to jail last night...again....driving while drunk....again....ran over a pole, landed in a field...he was fine...his car and the pole were not.....
I am grateful that it was a pole and not a person.....I wish someone could stop him, some how, some way....they keep on arresting him, but he keeps on doing it.....
These are the burning moments....the moments when you become so cynical, the moments where you would like to say...' No more....no more'....you want to but you don't , because deep in your heart, you know that you don't give up, deep in your heart, they still have a place.....these kids who had their brains messed up before they were even born.....
Others, well they don't understand...they look on in disgust, they ridicule, they laugh.....you just keep all these things, and like Mary, ponder them in your heart.....sometimes you try to make others understand,.... they don't ....they don't live with it....everyday, everyday for almost thirty years....
Some people don't want these kids around them....yes, they feel sorry for them, but a lot point an accusatory finger, putting them down for their lack of control, their impulsive tendencies, their immaturity, and their negative behaviour.....to be honest....yes, they are hard to be around, but society wants the acceptable....not the unacceptable.....
You sit quiet while others are chattering round about you.....you know this can steal your happiness but you try not to let it steal your joy....
Like Ann Voskamp says.....
Let something steal your joy — and you let something steal your strength.
....and I need my strength, I need to keep going, one step at a time....
I need my strength so I can still feel the joy.
~ Marie
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